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The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, by Peggy Vaughan
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One of the most valuable survival guides for men or women recovering from a partner's affair.
Featured on Oprah, 48 Hours, CNN, Fox News, and in USA Today
In this landmark book, Peggy Vaughan helps us to understand the stages of suspicion, confrontation, and the healing process necessary to recover, including rebuilding self-esteem, the marriage/divorce dilemma, and seeking professional help. Packed with practical, time-tested advice and successful strategies, this authoritative guide reveals:
- You are not alone—estimates are that at least 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair.
- People from all walks of life have affairs—devoted parents, religious individuals, regardless of income or social class.
- Our society contributes to the prevalence of affairs.
- An affair does not mean the end of a marriage.
- Recovery is fueled by honest, open discussion of the affair.
Substantiated by case studies, ongoing research, and the author's own experience, this updated third edition includes information on the role of the Internet in relationships, shares the words of others who are recovering from affairs, and describes the six-step program for establishing communication between partners that can actually prevent affairs.
- Sales Rank: #115262 in eBooks
- Published on: 2009-08-18
- Released on: 2009-08-18
- Format: Kindle eBook
Amazon.com Review
Peggy Vaughn, who's been featured on Oprah! and CNN, has helped thousands of folks recover from affairs. As the extramarital-affairs expert behind AOL's "Ask Peggy" forum and as a woman who's been married for 40 years to her high school sweetheart--who cheated on her for seven years while she kidded herself that he was remaining faithful--she certainly knows what she's talking about. She says that to successfully overcome an unfaithful spouse or companion, you have to work through the myths of monogamy. It's not just men, or men who travel a lot on business, or women with supermodel good looks, who cheat. It's people of all ages, all occupations: from pastors to postal workers to, well, presidents. In other words, everyone is at risk for betraying or being betrayed.
Studies conservatively estimate, Vaughan reveals, that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair. "These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other," she says. "If even half the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages."
Vaughn outlines the societal causes and supporters of affairs, from the commercialization of sex in every visible nook and cranny of our world to our lifelong tendency to surround sex with secrecy. She also lists the common desperate measures that people take when they suspect they're being cheated on, and why they don't work. (Vaughn herself resorted to becoming a gourmet cook, wearing sexy underwear, and acting like a sex fiend in bed, all to no avail.) She also tells what to expect during a confrontation, and includes copious techniques for rebuilding self-esteem. There's also information about how to choose a marriage counselor or group therapist and, even more important, when to stop seeing one. For couples--especially those with children--debating whether to divorce or remain married, there's plenty of proven guidance to be found here. --Erica Jorgensen
Review
Outstanding and wonderfully helpful. -- Harriet Lerner, author, The Dance of Anger
About the Author
Peggy Vaughan is an internationally recognized expert in the area of extramarital affairs. Drawing on her first-hand experience with her husband's affairs three decades ago, thousands of letters, her survey research projects, and her work with BAN (Beyond Affairs Network), an organization of local support groups that she founded and coordinates through www.dearpeggy.com, Peggy Vaughan has built a reputation as the authority on recovering from affairs. She lives in La Jolla, California, with her husband.
Most helpful customer reviews
27 of 32 people found the following review helpful.
Not helpful
By Amazon Customer
This book was terrible...It made me so angry I actually threw it away.
Basic premise seems to be that a cheating spouse is not to blame for their
behavior. It provides all sorts of 'society made him do it' nonsense. I was looking for a book that would help me to heal and somehow rebuild my marriage with my husband after discovering his long term affair with my best friend. I suppose different people may find it helpful but I found it to be completely worthless in that regard.
26 of 31 people found the following review helpful.
Horrific Read
By txmom
I got this book thinking it would help me come to terms with husband's recent unfaithfulness. The book did nothing but anger me. I read almost to the end and realized the book was creating more stress for me. It was not because I was reliving anything but the pure and simple BS. Since when is a person not responsible for their own actions. I am not saying that I didn't help the situation but really.....you want to blame society. That does not fly with me. A person should behave with morals and if you don't have any, then marriage may not be for you. Monogamy should not be considered a myth. I am not saying that one cannot overcome what occurred, but this book is just letting you forgive based on society made your partner do it. I quit reading when the book told me that. This is the perfect book for the cheater. In which the authors are married and the husband did stray. I'd say that he did a wonderful job by writing a book with his spouse and completing his I'm sorry, I was wrong, I love you, Society made me do it BS. Grow up and deal with the consequences of YOUR actions.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Our life together is better than ever!
By Carol T.
It has been nearly three years since my partner's affair, and it is only after the full process of healing, and all the stages and setbacks that go along with it, that I choose to write an outstanding review. Not only was this book helpful, but all of Peggy Vaughn's online resources are helpful as well. Every situation is different, and every person is different. Some betrayed partners may be incapable of letting go of the anger and bitterness. And some betrayers do not deserve or earn another chance. If you are in a position where this terrible, but sadly common, tragedy has touched your relationship, but you wish to rebuild trust and you and your partner are both ready and willing to work - this book and others with a similar approach and content WILL help you get there! It's not easy, it's not quick, but for us it has worked and been worthwhile. I am not being trite or naive when I say, quite honestly, that our relationship is stronger than ever. Our marriage was only a couple years old when this happened, but now I have high hopes for our future.
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